By my Guest, Anne VandenbosIn the late 1960’s, my husband and I were attending Johnston Heights Evangelical Free Church. One Sunday we noticed a mention of a Christian adoption agency in Seattle, called Burden Bearers, in the bulletin. I began praying that Burden Bearers would open a branch office in Canada; ten years later, my prayers were answered! My husband Hans and I adopted the second baby available at Burden Bearers.
Our adoption of baby Sarah was “closed.” The birth mother, Christine, didn’t know our names; she only knew whatever our counselor, Bob, chose to tell her. At the time of the adoption, Christine knew that we couldn’t have children, that we were practicing Christians, and that we were secure in our marriage. She had other families to choose from, but felt led to choose us as Sarah’s adoptive parents. Bob made it very clear to us that Christine wanted Sarah to know that she had wanted to keep her, but decided that it would be better for her to be raised by a mother and a father.
We received Sarah when she was four days old. From a very young age, I talked to Sarah about her adoption. We believed that the longer we waited to tell her that she was adopted, the harder it would be to do it, and the higher the risk of her finding out from a cousin or other family member. Also, the older she was when she found out, she might be angry or wonder why we had lied to her for so long.
When Sarah was two years old, our adoption counselor, Bob, was at a Sunday evening fellowship at our church. I overheard him talking to a group of people about a set of twins who needed to be adopted. On the way home from the service, I told my husband about it and we agreed to submit our names as candidates to adopt the twins.
In the weeks that followed, we waited anxiously for any news from Bob. Two months later, we were told that the birth mother of the twins had chosen us! The twins were due on July 10th, so there was barely enough time to move Sarah out of her crib into a big bed of her own—but there were enough days to share the excitement with Sarah that God was giving her twin brothers. On the morning of July 9th, I fell to my knees in prayer. Sarah came and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I felt we should pray for the twins’ birthmother. When Bob phoned to tell me that the twins had arrived, he said that there was some difficulty with the birth of the second baby (ten minutes after his brother), but it was all over; the birth mom and babies were fine. The time of the twins’ birth was at the exact time that I had fallen to my knees to pray!
Sarah loved her brothers from the very beginning and we made a conscious effort to include her in their care. Whenever I would take the children shopping, people would ask questions such as, “Are they twins? What are their names? How old are they?” I would answer, and take care to include Sarah by saying, “And this is their two year old sister, Sarah.” Sarah even had her own driver’s license to push the twins’ stroller while I pushed the shopping cart when we went grocery shopping! She was totally capable of answer the common questions.
We made an effort to talk to Sarah, Matthew, and Luke about each of their individual adoption stories because we wanted them to be proud of their history and thankful to God for the way He had brought our family together. If the topic ever came up at school, they were equipped to answer questions from the other children. I made personalized storybooks that became favorites of theirs because “Sarah,” “Matthew,” and “Luke” were the main characters.
When Sarah was a pre-teen, she asked some questions about her birth mother and I shared with her and the twins all of the “statistics” that Burden Bearers had given us at the time of their adoptions. Although the boys hadn’t asked any questions themselves, I also gave each of them a copy of their birth family’s history. Sarah was surprised that there was so much information available to her, and she never brought up the topic again, even though I offered to help her find her birthparents.
When she was twenty, Bob called my husband to say that Sarah’s birth mother wanted to meet her. She had written a lengthy journal for Sarah, and also had photos and a gift for her. Bob gave us a photocopy of the journal for my husband and I read, to decide if we wanted to give it to her; I gave it to Sarah on the same day that we received it.
About a week later, Bob arranged the meeting between Sarah and Christine, her birth mother. My husband did not agree with the meeting, but he wouldn’t put a stop to it. Sarah caught me shedding a few tears on the day she was going to meet Christine; she immediately wanted to call off the meeting, but I insisted that she go. I knew that Christine was looking forward to it and Sarah had already committed herself to going.
I asked Sarah, “How would we feel if Christine had changed her mind about giving you to us? You can’t disappoint her now when you said that you would go.”
She got ready and left with an armload of photo albums and her fiancée, Mark, for moral support.
Christine and her family came to Sarah’s wedding ceremony, but the first time I actually met Christine face-to-face was two years after Sarah’s wedding, at my husband’s memorial service. I’d written her on a few occasions to express my gratitude, but it was good to meet her in person to say thank you, and share a hug…and, of course, a cry.
Matthew and Luke are polar opposites of Sarah in that they have never expressed a desire to meet their birth parents. I am convinced that their close bond with their dad, Hans, influenced them. They just couldn’t understand why Sarah would want to meet her birth mother. Two years after Hans passed away, I spoke to the boys separately and told them I would help them if they wanted to search for their birthparents; they both said no.
Christine’s presence in Sarah’s life continues to be a struggle for me. If I had it my way, there would be no connection with Christine until after I die—I realize that this is a selfish way to feel, though. I wonder if an open adoption makes this connection easier…Over the years, I’ve been thankful that our adoptions were not “open.” Christine can’t be expected to understand how I feel because she hasn’t walked in my shoes—and in the same way, it’s impossible for me to fathom why she craves a desire to have our families get to know one another.
One of my nephews, Tim, asked me after my husband’s memorial, “What did you and Uncle Hans do to have your children turn out so well?” At first I was a mouthful of teeth, but eventually I had a lot to say. A summary of my response was that, with God’s help, we were willing to take on the challenge of being responsible parents, even if that meant making some sacrifices. We knew that we were responsible to God, to each other, and to our children’s birth parents, who had entrusted us with their children to raise them with love as our own.
Without a doubt, Sarah, Matthew, and Luke have been three precious gifts from God. It has been six years since Hans passed away. The children have all struggled with the loss of their dad. They loved their father so much! But God is our strength. He never stops loving us. It continues to amaze me how God so faithfully teaches us more and more in our journey toward Heaven. He has been with us every step of the way. All we have to do is trust His plan for our future in His perfect timing.
