GIVING AWAY ONCE MORE—Adoption Ch. 18

God had done an awesome thing. My birthdaughter that I'd loved all these years and met at our our reunion two months earlier was an extraordinary and sweet young woman. By all standards our reunion had been a success, the door to future get-togethers was open, and she had asked us to come to her church for her wedding ceremony.

So why was I so angry with God? In the adoption reunion books, my trauma was explained as the cold and clinical stage of negotiating the birthmother role. I wanted to throw the book across the room.

My self-pity disgusted me. Was I like David said, too impatient to wait for the good things God had in store? Or was I really afraid of what it would mean to build a relationship with the child I'd relinquished?

The house was quiet. David was at work, the kids at school. I went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. The dam burst and I cried. For weeks my emotions had howled like a storm inside me and drowned out God. But this time as I reached for the kettle I felt His voice, I have never forgotten you. I set the kettle down. That’s what those silly pink flowers meant all this time, that God tenderly loved me. He had been with me for every single one of Sarah's birthdays. He had been with me every day of the past two months as I'd shut Him out.

I lifted my face up to receive my Father’s love. Just as it was when I’d given birth to Sarah, the pains and pangs left, and afterwards came the joy of knowing I had brought a child into God’s world. For years I’d prayed to be brought visibly back into the circle of this adoption, but God did even better. He had brought me back full circle to His love. To His family.

Due to the heavy stresses I knew Sarah must be under during her final semester to finish her Bachelor of Nursing degree, and organize her wedding, I didn’t feel right phoning her. It had been the same during my search for Sarah, the tide of my courage would flow and fade.

Mother’s Day arrived and I revelled in the gifts and love from my kids and David. But still a large part of my heart was miles away with Sarah. I asked the Lord to show me what He wanted me to hope for in regards to Sarah. I got my answer at church that morning when Krystal, the adopted girl who sang a few months earlier, got up to read the poem ‘An Adopted Child’s Legacy’. I felt the pew shake slightly with my heaving emotions as young Kristal read how her mother was her Sun, and her birthmother her distant, guiding star. Here at last was my place in Sarah’s life.

After church David and the kids took me out for a Mom’s Day lunch, and we didn’t come home till late that afternoon. The phone rang and I picked it up. I didn’t recognize her voice at first; it was so delicate, even hesitant. It was Sarah calling to wish me a happy mother’s day. I gulped back tears. Oh, dear Lord, please help me talk and act normal with her? She’d been trying for several hours to call me. We talked for 45 minutes, about nothing and everything. She sounded happy to hear that we were coming to the church to see her married. I said we wouldn’t miss it for the world.

My heart went out to her. With all her pressures from school, the last minute papers and projects, and the wedding, she’d taken time to phone me this day. Sarah seemed more at ease with me too, and shared some of her hopes for what our relationship would look like. She wanted to get to know me. She wanted the Lord to lead us on the building of our unique relationship. I soared on eagle’s wings.

Sarah’s wedding arrived not long after Mother’s Day. At my urging, David, Lana, Robert and I, got to the church early. Kyle still wasn’t ready to meet Sarah, but I knew the day would come that he would. At the church only a few people had begun to trickle in. We were among the first. A young girl stood at a small table where a display of lilacs filled a vase. We all signed the guestbook, and moved to the seat I insisted we take. It was the last seat at the back of the large auditorium but beside the central doors. I sat in the place I’d thought long and hard about taking. I was sure this would be where Sarah would enter. I hoped to catch her eye briefly, to share a smile with her before she started down the aisle, as if to give her my blessing on her wedding day.

From this vantage I watched grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends who all knew Sarah so much better than I did enter and take their places. At last the doors at the back of the church opened and Mark stood on the threshold, his white shirt contrasting crisply with his black tuxedo. He caught my eye, smiled and said hi. From here I watched each relative come in. At last I saw Sarah’s mother, this woman I felt such a kinship with. She looked kind and sweet. I wondered what she was thinking on her daughter’s wedding day. Was she nervous, sad, elated, or her mind filled with a million details?

The doors closed . . . the family was seated . . . and then the door opened again. Bridesmaids passed by, a ring bearer and a flower girl, but I hardly saw them, for there she was on her father’s arm. So this is Sarah’s beloved Dad. Adoration for Sarah filled his eyes. He tucked her arm in his and tenderly placed his hand over hers. This was what I had wanted for her.

She was as beautiful as I knew she would be in her white gown, and bridal veil that fell to the length of her fingertips. It reminded me of the lacy white shawl I’d wrapped her in so long ago. I wanted to reach out and touch her. I wanted to tell her she was exquisite. She was so close, only a few feet away. I hesitated. No, it’s not my place. I leaned forward to catch her eye, but her gaze focused on the front of the church where Mark stood. I sat back and smiled through my tears. She had her eyes in the right direction.

My heart pounded as the strains of the song ‘Unchained Melody’ wafted over the church and Sarah and her father proceeded down the aisle. The lyrics thrummed in my heart . . . a long lonely time . . . and time goes by so slowly . . . and time can do so much . . . are you still mine? . . . Godspeed your love . . . Godspeed your love . . . And my own words, God speed your love to each other.

Mark and Sarah were married. As a newly married couple they raced up the aisle arm in arm, their smiles wide for each other. I thought Sarah caught my eye, but I wasn’t sure. The foyer was filled with what seemed like hundreds of people. I hung back, paralyzed with overwhelming emotions. But I waited too long and missed my chance. Sarah and Mark were in the car, ready to drive away for their pictures. I bit back my despair that my courage had failed me.

But God hadn't failed me. He had answered my prayers and let me see her wed, and there was the future to look forward to. Several weeks later Sarah told me she and her mother had left a pink corsage for me at the guest-signing book. There had also been a cancellation for a few people at the reception, and they had made room for us. But in the normal hubbub of a big wedding, no one recognized me to pass the message on.

It didn't matter, the joyous thing was that Sarah and her mother remembered me. On the day of Sarah's wedding, as my family and I drove away from her church, in my heart I gave Sarah back to the Lord, just like I’d given her to Him twenty years ago. She wasn’t mine to give, but all the same, when I did, I felt His peace fill my soul.